IF YOU WERE LOST deep in the woods, after what was supposed to be a well-planned excursion that included fun, adventure, and a safe return home, you would find yourself alert to the very real danger ahead.
At first, you might try to backtrack, but upon noticing that you were only walking in circles, rinsing and repeating the same steps, what would you do?
Imagine yourself alone and lost.
Imagine yourself tired, hungry, thirsty, and afraid. Imagine yourself taking an inventory of your circumstances. How did you get here? Ecclesiastes 7:29
Will you blame God for making you a free-spirited person who likes fun and adventure? Will you blame him for not keeping you safe at all times? Proverbs 19:3
Will you blame your mom, dad, or other caregivers for not better teaching you how to prepare for your future?
Will you blame society for not making directional signs for your every step?
Will you blame your friends who told you how much fun they had while taking similar journeys?
Will you blame yourself for being so careless and irresponsible?
For we are each responsible for our own conduct.—Galatians 6:5
To be sure, there is plenty of blame to go around, but in the end, you are still lost. You may want to lie down and die; feeling helpless and hopeless, but in your heart, you know this is not how you want to go, nor are you ready to go.
This trip was not supposed to be your last and you still have things on your calendar to do. Your life shouldn’t be over.
If only you could have a “do-over”.
If only you could see the people you love or at least have conversations with them.
The experience of being lost is frightening, but one does not have to be physically lost to feel lost. You can feel lost at the moment of any upset or unmet expectation.
Inside you and me is the desire for utopia. We want everything to be perfect. We measure people, places, things, and circumstances against a faulty expectation that somehow, everything should be, or could be, perfect.
What we fail to see is that “perfect” is not always measured by a universal standard of what you or I deem to be “without flaw or failure”. For example, if someone you love dearly is trapped in the rinse and repeat downward spiral of an insidious addiction, you might think it “perfect” that he or she is stuck in jail where you think it safer than the lifestyle the addiction brought. Your loved one might see things differently. In other words, “perfect” is a relative term.
“Perfect”, at the core, is the state of being when you enjoy a full measure of love, respect, significance, and security.
When some measure is taken away, either in reality or in your perception of reality, the natural response is to get it back. Until we learn new coping skills, our first thought would be to nurture the negative feelings associated with our loss.
Those thoughts, tied to our unmet expectations, yield resentments. Resentments that you control.
While you have no control over what happened—what has happened occurred in reality, or your perception of reality—you do have control over your thoughts about what happened.
If you will be honest with yourself as you capture your very real thoughts and feelings on paper, exactly as the words appear in your heart and mind, you will be doing the necessary work to learn new coping skills.
Otherwise, you will do what you have always done and whether you believe me or not, you will give your personal power over to your negative thoughts and feelings.
You do not have to live your life with your thoughts and feelings leading your next step. You can learn how to not let negative energy get the best part of who you are.
Negative energy will always lead to resentments.
Conversely, positive energy will always lead to acceptance.
In essence, what we resent or accept is reality. Success in life is the ability to accept reality; to stay in reality; to refuse to escape reality; to learn how to use the upsets in life as a tool for learning and growing as individuals.
One reason to capture your negative thoughts and feelings is so you can see how much time, energy, and undesired behavior, is wasted in a futile attempt to control reality.
When we nurse our unmet expectations, we live in a belief that we can control our future. If only….While you do not have enough power to control your future, it was the faulty belief that you could that led to the upset. It is one of the faulty beliefs common to most people.
The better belief is similar to the lie but accurate. The truth is that you can be cause in the matter of a different future than the one you can expect if you do not learn new behavior.
It is because behavior is only the effect of what you think and believe; you cannot change behavior until you change what you think and believe.
If you do not think and believe you can change your behavior, try to capture the words in your thoughts that tell you so.
We do everything we do with a pay-off in mind.
Unfortunately, some of those pay-offs are counterfeit. We hold onto beliefs that defy reality for a reason.
If you will be honest with yourself, you may be able to see that a refusal to accept new thoughts and beliefs allows you to avoid the truth about yourself. I’ll give you an example.
If you resent a lover because he was unfaithful to you, you have lost a certain measure of the effects of love, which are respect, significance, and security. I think it is fair to say that you can agree that your lover has at least one character defect, right?
Do you really want to be with a lover who is not faithful to you?
Of course not. What you want is his undivided love for you. You made an investment in him, but in the end, your investment wasn’t good enough. What does this say about you?
Your words may say you deserve better, but if they’re said in righteous indignation, this pay-off may be an effort at self-preservation. In reality, you may be feeling lost, but if you aren’t careful, the resentment will take root and you may believe you cannot live without him.
Your focus will be on him, but that is old behavior. The new behavior requires you to stay in reality and focus on you. It’s painful, but what do the words say about you? If you aren’t good enough, with all your effort, to keep a man honest with you, how can you ever expect to enjoy a full measure of love, respect, significance, and security?
Is your upset even about him or is it more about you? Do your words say that when you were together, he made you feel loveable, respected, significant, and secure? If so, change the words because truthfully, he was only cause in the matter of you feeling what you felt when you were together.
The truth is that you determined how you would feel when you were with him.
The better words to say are something like this:
I felt lovable when…we were together…he laughed at my jokes…he told me I was special.
I felt safe…being with him…when he did things for me.
I felt significant…when he told me his secrets…when he complimented me.
I felt respected…when he asked my opinion about things…when he acknowledged my ability to solve problems.
I believed he loved me and would be faithful. I believed he would never hurt me. I believed he would always be perfect.
If you can face the reality that you chose your feelings, and you will let go of your perception of reality that he made you feel loved, respected, significant, and secure, can you see how the pain you’re feeling is not only about what you have lost but about what you believe about the future that appears to be shattered?
What are the demons whispering to you about your future and status among friends and family? Are they reminding you of your past failures or all the mistakes you made in this relationship?
Demons are relentless and they speak doom and gloom.
After a loss, a certain pain comes from believing that your life might as well be over. However, remember, you are not living in the past where mistakes may have occurred, and you are not living in the future. Today, you are in recovery.
You thought you would go the distance with him, but instead, you are facing the reality that you never had control over that future.
This is not to say that your relationship is over, because reality says it may not be. You and he could be cause in the matter of reconciliation. However, it is a great time to let the pain lead you to the truth about yourself.
Resentments are unmet expectations that can reveal the words you believe.
If you do not circumvent the work, you can face the demons and see that you have power over them. Remember, demons are nothing more than negative energy that communicates to you through words that you once believed.
You developed a habit of trusting these words and your subconscious mind accepted them as truth. If you replace these words with positive energy, you will create new pathways in the frontal cortex of your brain, and over time, your subconscious mind will accept them as truth.
Resentments from betrayal are common to all human beings. If my example resonates with you, take this opportunity to do the work to get honest with yourself.
Therefore, this is what the Lord says:
“If you repent, I will restore you that you may serve me; if you utter worthy, not worthless, words, you will be my spokesman.
For I am with you to rescue and save you,”declares the Lord.“I will save you from the hands of the wicked and deliver you from the grasp of the cruel.”—Excerpts from Jeremiah 15:19-21
James 1:21-22, Romans 8:28, James 1:2-4, Job 1:20-22, James 1:12-15, I Corinthians 10:13, Romans 9:20
As always, it is my intent and hope that my words may encourage you wherever you are in your journey.
Please share your thoughts in the comments below or go to the group tab above to share your own experience. It only takes a minute of your time and your words may help others.
If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.–Jesus(Mark 4:23)
Photo by MSVG 
