I HEARD THE DISAPPOINTMENT in my client’s voice when he described a tough conversation he forced himself to have with his wife.
“It wasn’t great,” he said. “At first, she tried to shut me down, saying she didn’t want to talk about that again.
“But I told her it was on my mind, and I reminded her that I made a commitment to speak when something was on my mind, and if I couldn’t do that, I’d go back to hiding my true self and that wouldn’t make her happy either.
“I raised my voice and she didn’t like that. Then she raised her voice and the fight was on.”
He continued. “But the next day, she apologized for getting angry and so did I.”
In my mind, this troubled marriage experienced a victory. A husband broke through his fear of losing some measure of love, respect, significance, and security; and spoke about a recurring upset.
He ignored the counterfeit strategy, he devised as a child, to avoid confrontation and conflict, and after he spoke, he could feel, in real-time, the effects of Death.
The voice that whispered to him—to stay quiet, to avoid a strong and powerful person, who, in a child’s point of view, could eat him alive—was subdued by his desire for a change that could set he and his wife free to have the marriage they both want.
He stood in the face of Death, the destroyer of life; the life we can see out there; the life we most want and hope for; but this mighty warrior, though attacked, was not defeated.
He is convinced that he and his wife are captives in a prison of their own design, a prison where they are being suffocated to death by their individual strategies.
And he wants out.
His wife also heard the voice of Death, and even though she did not subdue that voice, which sounds like an advocate at the moment, she did come back the next day and apologize.
Her desire for restoration was greater than her desire to let her marriage be destroyed by a counterfeit strategy of avoidance.
To say the conversation “wasn’t great” is to imply that it wasn’t perfect. And that’s the problem.
Certainly, we want perfect relationships. We want everything to be perfect including ourselves. If only…I could be perfect…and you could be perfect…we would always have a full measure of love, respect, significance, and security. But we are not perfect.
Perfect is what God is.
And if you cannot believe God is perfect, create a space in your thinking for the possibility that he is.
No, we are not and cannot be perfect. We can only be what we are—imperfect human beings.
Look around you. Is there one perfect human being among the seven or eight billion people on the planet? Run down to the church and take a look, beginning with the leadership. While you might see a lot of them trying to be perfect and many more who are trying to hide their imperfect state of being, will you find one who is perfect?
It is Death who whispers to you, “You must be perfect.”
It is Death, a ferocious and determined foe, who refuses to relent.
It is Death, who frightened you as a child and affirmed the strategies you designed to protect yourself from losing.
It is Death who helped you erect the walls of your prison and Death who convinced you that you would be safer to build your life inside the box rather than outside.
It is also Death who says, “That conversation wasn’t great.”
And while you are licking your wounds, Death, like a roaring lion that can taste the imminent victory, whispers again: You are defeated.
You gave it your best shot and you lost. You had your moment of freedom and look at the cost. Can you not feel the shame and humiliation of this futile battle?
You don’t have what it takes to win. There is something missing, something wrong with you. Or her.
Come back into the safety I have provided you, where you can accept the life you have. And if you want to change it, you can start over. With a new wife. A better wife. A wife who will be perfect for you.
Freedom always comes at a cost.
If you want it, you will have to pay the price.
And if you are not willing, you will pay the price for bondage.
For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. –Ephesians 6:12(NLT)
1 Corinthians 15:26, 2 Timothy 1:10, 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, Isaiah 25:8, 1 Corinthians 15:55-57, Romans 8:18,Matthew 10:39, Deuteronomy 8:3, 1 Corinthians 15:30-31, 2 Corinthians 4:11-12
As always, it is my intent and hope that my words may encourage you wherever you are in your journey.
Please share your thoughts in the comments below or go to the group tab above to share your own experience. It only takes a minute of your time and your words may help others.
If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.–Jesus(Mark 4:23)
