THERE IS NO QUESTION in my mind that I would gladly give the Lord complete control of my life if I could only see where he wants to take me.
In the beginning, right after I met Jesus up close and personal, I was happy to follow him because where he led made perfect sense to me.
And my life got better.
Don’t get me wrong; there were frightening moments in that early journey. At times I thought it within my rights to argue with the Lord, but even so, he patiently and with great love proved that his ways were best.
The Lord knew that I trusted money more than anything else.
We went through several experiences where he waited until every door was closed—and my bank account was in the red—before he opened a door that provided more money than I ever expected.
During those years of financial success, I’m certain my faith was tested. When I came to crossroads and I could have chosen the path to more money, I didn’t, because in doing so I would be taken from home and my kids more than necessary.
Once, after ten years of trusting in God, I faced a decision that would cost half my income and I wasn’t even afraid. I was amazed when the Lord returned that lost revenue to me within two weeks and it came with no additional claims on my time.
Fast-forward ten more years and I thought I was the poster-child for what faith in God looked like.
It was a time that reminded me of my early days of wrestling with the Lord, only this time my circumstances didn’t change as quickly as before, maybe because it took two years to run out of money.
I was so distraught and tired from trying to get the Lord to open a door as I slowly came to the end of the road. I had not lost my faith, but I begged the Lord to just explain why I could not make anything happen.
I asked him how he thought it right to let me suffer, even as I continued to be the good church lady and sole provider for my kids.
Then one day, out of the blue, my father called and said he inherited a large sum of money and wanted to pay back what he owed me for all the years I helped him.
Knowing dad was a poor money manager himself, I refused his money and promptly told my best friend.
She said, “I think you should look at your motives because you’ve said on many occasions that most people, and especially your dad, have never repaid borrowed money.
“What would happen if you joined the rest of us and had to say that you allowed other people to be blessed by helping you?”
That conversation was tough because it wounded my pride.
She was right. I could feel better than others when I could say I helped them but they didn’t repay their debts.
However, the conversation I had with dad was worse. When I called to say he could repay the money, he said, “That’s good. How much do you need?” Need? It’s what you owe me!
I thanked the Lord for the mysterious way in which he provided for me because I needed help, but I was too proud to say so.
I wish I could say I thanked him for revealing the god of Shame and Humiliation, my other masters. I had allowed them to march me into the prison of solitary confinement where I felt proud, invincible, and safe.
I wish I could say there was no suffering in coming face to face with my self-righteousness.
I wish I could say there was no suffering as God revealed the truth about myself.
It is in these moments when I would like to blame the nasty devil for my uncomfortable circumstances, that I realize why Satan tried so hard to keep Jesus from going to the cross.
Real life is found in the resurrection—which follows death.
If only I had been willing to die. If only.
For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you.
In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord, your Redeemer. Isaiah 54:7-8 (ESV)
Matthew 20:17-19, 1 Corinthians 1:18, John 11:25-26, Hebrews 12:2, Job 19:25-26, Romans 5:8, Psalm 49:15,Colossians 2:14, 1 Corinthians 15:12-20, Galatians 6:14, John 20: 27-29, Mark 16:5-7, 1 Peter 2:24
As always, it is my intent and hope that my words may encourage you wherever you are in your journey.
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If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.–Jesus (Mark 4:23)
