IF I AM TO BELIEVE the word of God, I must accept that every good thought or deed you might accredit to me should be credited to him. James 1:17
I don’t want you to do that, of course, because I need the credit, and when I tell you I need the credit, I don’t simply mean I want it, but I need it.
When you give me the credit for something good, I feel loved.
I feel respected.
I feel significant.
And I feel secure.
Without those feelings, my life seems meaningless.
As a recovering Type-A personality, prone to doing, I also struggle with “Be still and know that I am God.”
This need I have for doing runs deeper than the feelings I get when you believe I am a good person. But it also matters in my relationship with God, as if I need to prove to him that I was worth saving; worth having as an ambassador of Christ on planet Earth, and worth the mansion I am to inherit someday in heaven.
I was not conscious of this need, to be validated by God on my own merit, until I came to a fork in the road on this journey into the “Twilight Zone”—outside the camp—and into the wilderness where my “normal” life was disrupted.
But, Lord, I thought, people will think I am being irresponsible and a failure if I go where you are leading me. What kind of a witness will I be to your goodness if I quit my job with no idea what I am to do next? Do you not care how you and I both will look to them?
When I listened to well-intentioned loved ones talk to me, as I would have talked to them in the same situation, I felt humiliation followed by humility as I saw how many of my choices in life had been based on my need to perform and therefore look good.
Oh how important it is to look like a good and sane person, even if it means going against God.
I knew that I was in a crucible, but more painful was knowing that my best judgment, logical reasoning, and desire was not first to serve God, but to save myself.
When the day came that I could save myself, I was unable to choose against God, which baffled me even more.
Where is my free will?
As if my pride was being beaten out of me by giving me credit I desperately needed, someone noticed the amazing faith I was demonstrating. “You are a better person than I,” my friend said. “I don’t think I could wait on God when I have bills to pay.”
The words cut like acid because I knew it was not my faith at all, but God himself who would not let me out of his grip.
And it was God who provided my sustenance while I bellyached.
Two more years I waited on God. Enough is enough, I thought, and if you’re going to use me for something, let’s get going. I have surrendered; you’ve given me talents and I’m willing, so what’s the hold up?
My pleading was in vain.
I would like you to think that I want to be used in some way to help you, and I do, but that’s only one motive; we always act out of more than one motive, of which to serve one’s own needs is usually present.
While I can admit that I no longer need my old life back, I still want my life to mean something that I can measure for good.
This waiting feels like wasting time.
It feels irresponsible.
It seems stupid.
I think the waiting will not come to an end until I no longer need to feel loved, respected, significant, and secure, by anything I do that I believe is worthy or good. I think the waiting will come to an end when I know that these fundamental needs are only truly satisfied by God, and through God, who lives in me.
I always thought myself a good person, but today I can now see my depravity, once hidden behind so many good things accredited to my effort in the past.
Today I can see that without God’s intervention by the Holy Spirit, I am unable to serve him or anyone but myself, rendering my life meaningless and without honor or integrity.
God deserves the credit for all good things that come out of me, including the love, respect, significance, and security I ever feel from and towards him.
Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. Romans 7:24-25 (ESV)
Psalm 27:14, Hosea 12:6, James 5:7-8, 1 Corinthians 4:5, Isaiah 40:31, Romans 5:1-5, Luke 10:17
As always, it is my intent and hope that my words may encourage you wherever you are in your journey.
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If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.–Jesus (Mark 4:23)
Thank you for seeing my hurt and helping to heal it.