I ALWAYS WANT TO LOOK “out there” when I have a problem. I like to assign blame somewhere other than myself.
After all, my intentions are always to win, whether that is in a relationship or in a project. Since I usually give my best effort, at least to look good, in everything I do, it is not natural to look “inside” myself.
There is a correlation between success and the difficulty it becomes to look at me rather than “out there” when something goes wrong. When I am in a powerful position over circumstances or people, I don’t want to do the work it takes to consider what happened inside me before I react.
Instead, I want the negative energy I’m feeling already—because something went wrong—to go away as quickly as possible. If I have the upper hand, I would much rather kill you, thereby transferring my pain to you in the form of guilt, shame, or humiliation.
I would much rather you feel afraid of disappointing me than to admit that what happened made me uncomfortable inside.
The more successful I am in controlling people, places, things, and circumstances, the harder it becomes to take any responsibility for failures in my life.
However, there is a cost to pay in trying to control the world I live in. The truth is that I don’t really want to control everything. I tried that and found it exhausting and after many failed attempts, I found it impossible.
It also caused me to accumulate more negative emotions than I could vomit onto my next victim, and still look like the nice person I wanted to be. I knew I was an angry person inside, and I became short-tempered, living in a state of disappointment and letdowns.
I have come to learn the work it takes to focus on what’s going on inside me, rather than the people, places, things, or circumstances, that seem to be my “problems”, is not hard.
It just sometimes hurts.
The good news is that it is far easier to change my thoughts, attitude, and behavior towards my problems than it is to change other people, places, and things.
This is especially true when people in my life may not have a problem with whatever I see as a problem.
As a result of my experiences, I have found some commonalities in the problems most people want solving, and some commonalities in the solutions, too. What I will share with you in this body of work are very simple, yet essential elements that were usually missing, misunderstood, or misused by the people I have helped.
Change within ourselves occurs when we suffer more pain with our reality than we anticipate we will suffer to do the work we must do to experience a different possibility for our lives.
Additionally, change becomes possible when we gain less than we want from the pay-off we experience with people, places and things.
Change occurs first with a belief that change is possible and then a step toward change. No matter how small the belief and how small the step may be, it will be the belief and the step that will increase your hope that change is possible.
If you want to change, you must be willing to create a space in your mind and heart to understand the possibility of how your thoughts, attitude, and behavior could be your problem.
The questions I’ll ask you are the ones I ask anyone, whether it’s a troubled CEO or a troubled friend.
Are you ready for a change?
Are you willing to accept that change begins with you?
Are you willing to practice change?
Are you coachable?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, get ready for change, because it is coming. You have spoken an intention into possibility, the first step toward change.
I recommend you read my work with a notebook and pen handy so you can write your own thoughts as they occur.
Date your work and write in the first person. Focus on your beliefs, attitudes, and behavior and not so much on what’s wrong with the other people in your life.
When you do the work on yourself that must be done, you’ll learn that you will be cause in the matter of many others wanting to do their own work.
“When one has finished building one’s house, one suddenly realizes that in the process one has learned something that one really needed to know in the worst way—before one began.”—Friedrich Nietzsche
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.”–Jesus Matthew 7:24-26(NIV)
Matthew 7:3, Luke 14:28, 1 Corinthians 10:1-4, Psalm 19:7-11, Psalm 34:4, Romans 8:38-39
As always, it is my intent and hope that my words may encourage you wherever you are in your journey.
Please share your thoughts in the comments below or go to the group tab above to share your own experience. It only takes a minute of your time to register (and you can be anonymous), and your words may help others.
If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.–Jesus (Mark 4:23)
