Rough Edges

WHEN I AGREED TO give Jesus my life, I expected him to make it better and not worse, but I had no idea that his idea of a better life has nothing to do with my circumstances in life. I also had no idea how swiftly Jesus gets to work on his new recruits. 

With a chisel. 

I felt guilty about my obvious sins, and without haste I corrected them. First, by marrying the boyfriend. If I had listened to wise counsel, I would have not followed my heart with this decision, but my heart longed for another child. The thought of being a stay-at-home mom sounded so right to me. 

Forfeiting my ownership in a thriving business and declining a request to renew a consulting contract were the easiest things to do for several reasons. One was because God changed me the day I met Jesus, and I found it more difficult to engage in unethical business practices, which my business partner was disinclined to change. 

Another reason was because my boyfriend was wealthy and I did not need to make money.  God was showing me how I had become a slave to money, and I wanted to be free from that stronghold. 

The most significant reason was an insatiable desire to shed all the masks I wore that made me feel like a fraud and a shell of a person who was not the real me.  

Six months after I met Jesus, which was about the time my husband and I returned from a lavish honeymoon, my entire life changed. My knight in shining armor had kept a few secrets. I guess we were too busy having sex to talk very much about the fine details of his life. 

As it turned out, he was not financially secure but was, in fact, insolvent and facing charges of fraud and deception within his company. He was also in trouble with the IRS, which became my problem since we had no pre-nuptial agreement. If he had told me these things before I gave up my money, I could have helped him and I would have, simply because I loved him, but obviously he was afraid I wouldn’t marry him if I had known. 

I was committed to my husband and I trusted God the best I knew how to, but my husband’s before, well-hidden unbridled rage and inability to tell me the truth moving forward, became intolerable. I tried everything I knew; even walking on eggshells to avoid his violent behavior and to maintain some sanity in my house, but it was to no avail. 

I filed for divorce two years later, when I felt like my life was in danger.  Our daughter was five months old. 

I was absolutely worn out from the nightmare I was in, with no work, the IRS, and the promise of bankruptcy and foreclosure.

Clearly I got myself into the troubles I faced, and I thought God expected me to get myself out, as if God waits for us to clean up the messes we make for ourselves. All I knew was that money would solve my problems. I knew how to make money, and I knew how to start over, having done so after two previous failed marriages. I asked the Lord to bless my efforts, but all the doors were shut, and Jesus was no longer Santa Claus.  

I shall never forget the day I threw myself onto my bed, having spent the last of my money from an old insurance policy with cash value, that somehow I had forgotten about while my husband was still in my house. 

I cried out to God in anger, “I am at my end. Did you bring me to this place to kill me? I have two kids to feed and you know how hard I have tried to save us. I can do no more and it can get no worse. Please do something.” 

The phone rang, and my banker informed me that I was overdrawn by $27,000 due to an error made the prior year, and they wanted me to come over right away with money. I hung up the phone and returned to my bed, only this time I laughed. 

“Okay, so it can get worse. I give up. Go ahead and kill me, but be quick about it or I’m going to jail.” 

Immediately, the phone rang again, and thinking it was my banker, I was prepared to give her my sob story. Instead, it was the vice president of a large company who was interested in my help. Within two weeks, I had work and money, not enough to save me from the consequences of my bad choices, but enough to prove that God would open doors without any help from me.

In the days that followed, while I was trying to save myself with money and my best effort, God was trying to show me the almighty power of the One in whom I believed. 

While I thought I would die if I lost my house, I did not. Instead my experience gave me an empathetic ear to others who suffer bankruptcy or foreclosure. Or bad choices. In relationships.

What I lost was a rough edge that judged and pitied “irresponsible” people who did not manage their affairs well.    

All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit.

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

How much better to get wisdom than gold! To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.—Proverbs 16:2,9,16,19

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”—Matthew 7:3-5 (NIV)

1 Peter 5:10,Exodus 14:11, Isaiah 55:8

As always, it is my intent and hope that my words may encourage you wherever you are in your journey.

If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.--Jesus (Mark 4:23) 

Please share your thoughts in the comments below or go to the group tab above to share your own experience. It only takes a minute of your time to register (and you can be anonymous), and your words may help others.