SITTING IN THE COMFORT of my own home in a middle-class neighborhood could hardly be compared to being taken into the wilderness or the desert, but this is how it felt to me. My house was as quiet as the desert ever since, as a single woman, my kids graduated from college, and began their own lives.
I did not miss a meal since this new journey with the Lord began more than ten years ago, but it was a wilderness experience because I awoke every morning with no idea how my bills would be paid.
I didn’t even know I could survive that long without a paycheck—more than seven years and counting. The way the Lord provided made no sense, except that it was clear I would not provide for myself as I had since I was fourteen years old. I was also never on welfare or unemployment.
I never even noticed the words in the Bible “outside the camp” until I frantically explained to a friend how my life as I knew it had changed so dramatically. “Ah,” she said. “The Lord has taken you outside the camp. He wants to speak to you.”
How sweet to think Jehovah would like to speak to me. Aren’t I so special?
And maybe I would have considered it all joy, but my life, as I had known it, was being systematically killed off.
And I was afraid.
And as you may know, fear is at the root of anger, and I was not a little upset after working so hard to get my life to a comfortable place of respect, significance, and security.
I was very afraid and seething with anger.
The trip outside the camp led Moses, once a prominent man, to tend sheep for forty years until he became the meekest man on earth. Numbers 12:3
It was also a trip outside the camp that led Jesus to Calvary where he was crucified.Hebrews 13:12
There’s a pattern here, and even if I had known it was my turn to be stripped to nothingness, I must confess that I wouldn’t like to be the object of the lessons to be learned.
I loved my life.
I valued being out there connecting with people where I could feel so important.
I appreciated what the Lord had done for me so many years ago when he awakened me to the difference between religion and relationship. He showed me that my spirit, the real me, was created for a connection with him.
I was proud to be a volunteer in my church and even going to prisons to share the love, forgiveness, and new life found in Jesus.
And, of course, it goes without saying that a faithful church lady loved giving her tithe and offerings, too.
So, with all this self-righteousness in my blind spot, you can imagine how I thought that stinking devil was after me when circumstances arose and I began to lose my power, possessions, and position in my little universe. It never occurred to me that it was God leading me by the still waters, filled with alligators, and the green pastures with dragons and giants scaring the crap out of me.
If I had only known—really believed—that it is the Lord who giveth and taketh away, Job 1:21 I wouldn’t have wasted so many years since my journey began, kicking, screaming, grumbling and begging the Lord to get me back to my real life and out of Satan’s harm.
I look back and see the Lord was not silent about what was in store for me and had I not been so full of myself, I would have been ready for the test in which I failed. It began right after I lost most of my income when the economy tanked, and the Lord asked me a question. I know you love me, but do you trust me?
I obviously gave him the wrong answer when I assured him that I did.
“Talk no more so very proudly,
let not arrogance come from your mouth;
for the Lord is a God of knowledge,
and by him actions are weighed.“The Lord kills and brings to life;
he brings down to Sheol and raises up.
The Lord makes poor and makes rich;
he brings low and he exalts.“He will guard the feet of his faithful ones,
but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness,
for not by might shall a man prevail.—Hannah’s Prayer (Excerpts 1 Samuel 2:3, 6-7,9)
Deuteronomy 23:12, James 1:2-4, Psalm 23, Jeremiah 29:11
As always, it is my intent and hope that my words may encourage you wherever you are in your journey.
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If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.–Jesus (Mark 4:23)
